I'm so pisssed off I don't even want to blog. It was supposed to be an awesome post about birthday boy's birthday and all of the special things I did for him today (complete with pictures) but apparently we can't go two fucking days around here without an argument. So. There you have it.
I need a vacation.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Birthday Boy
Sooooooo...Elvis has a birthday tomorrow!!! Birthdays are a HUGE deal in my house. Actually, any holiday is a huge deal in my house. I get this from my Mom, she always celebrated everything to the nines. To the tens, even. So she has definitely passed this dominant trait on to me. I have spent the day (to be honest, I've spent the last few months) preparing for the festivities. Presents are wrapped. Cake is not baked but bought. House is decorated. And. I. Am. So. Egg. Cited!!!! I can hardly stand it. I love Elvis's birthday like I love my own. And not to go all mushy on you, but seriously...I get to celebrate the birth of my soulmate tomorrow. That is pretty unique and pretty freakin' awesome. :)
My day...lets see...I got up this morning and went to the gym. Same ol', same ol'. Except TODAY.....it raaaaiiiiinnnneeedd (that's rained for you slowpokes...me included) So how about that, huh? Rain. I was ecstatic! My poor poor plants and flowers are tired of hose water. They want some ion-infused rain. And today they got it. Sorta. It didn't even register in the rain gauge, but that's okay, we'll take it.
After the gym, my day just sort of slipped away. Minute by minute. I watched some trial coverage today. I imported this blog to my other email. I piddled around and didn't do much. Elvis came home for lunch and we talked and laughed. There was a distinct moment when he said something as he was hugging me. I can't even remember what it was, but I remember it brought up my evil green-headed jealousy monster. I just looked up at the ceiling and thought "Naw...not today". And that was that. No fighting. No huge ordeal. Just thought in...thought right back out. That really felt good too. I hate arguing and especially with Elvis. It is so emotionally draining when you love someone so much to have tension and fighting. I hate it. Anyways...no arguing so Yay!
I spent the afternoon doing laundry and other mundane household chores, and really didn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. Sort of in preparation for tomorrow in which I will be running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get ready for the Birthday Boy!
Cheers to birthdays and cheers again for celebrating life and love. :)
My day...lets see...I got up this morning and went to the gym. Same ol', same ol'. Except TODAY.....it raaaaiiiiinnnneeedd (that's rained for you slowpokes...me included) So how about that, huh? Rain. I was ecstatic! My poor poor plants and flowers are tired of hose water. They want some ion-infused rain. And today they got it. Sorta. It didn't even register in the rain gauge, but that's okay, we'll take it.
After the gym, my day just sort of slipped away. Minute by minute. I watched some trial coverage today. I imported this blog to my other email. I piddled around and didn't do much. Elvis came home for lunch and we talked and laughed. There was a distinct moment when he said something as he was hugging me. I can't even remember what it was, but I remember it brought up my evil green-headed jealousy monster. I just looked up at the ceiling and thought "Naw...not today". And that was that. No fighting. No huge ordeal. Just thought in...thought right back out. That really felt good too. I hate arguing and especially with Elvis. It is so emotionally draining when you love someone so much to have tension and fighting. I hate it. Anyways...no arguing so Yay!
I spent the afternoon doing laundry and other mundane household chores, and really didn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. Sort of in preparation for tomorrow in which I will be running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get ready for the Birthday Boy!
Cheers to birthdays and cheers again for celebrating life and love. :)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Edit to yesterday's post:
I got laid last night. :) Yep. Two times in two days and it was AWESOME!
On to today...It was a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10. Elvis asked me to rate my day and that was what I told him. I had a fantastic morning...went to the gym, worked out for over an hour, got my sit-ups in and my arms. Whew I was pooped by the time i finished at 9:30. This woman whom I have seen at the gym before came over and introduced herself today. Then she invited me to church. I think it was a sign. I have been trying to talk Elvis into going to church with me, but so far no duece. Whatev...but I would like to go...I think it would help with my iss-see-yous. And they are MANY, my friend.
Elvis came home for lunch and thats when chaos ensued. I asked if that bee-otch had communicated with him today. He assured me she hadn't but, get this: I didn't believe him. Something about the way he said it, and then the way he tore into his food right after. But see? That is a classic example of how I assume my Dad's position in the interrogation process. (I told you my relationship with my Dad was complicated...you have no idea) So after this conversation with Elvis, I was just sitting there thinking to myself "ABORT...ABORT...ABORT..." But I couldn't. I was in that stinkin poison mindset again and couldn't shake it loose. Elvis got up to "leave the building" haha (I've been dying to use that one) and go back to work, and I surprised myself by being angry with him. Angry for so many reasons. For making me think these crazy jealous thoughts. For leaving me for 8 long hours every day to just occupy myself. For not being trustworthy. And the thing is, most of these reasons are MY problems...not his. I need to learn how to trust him again. And lets face it...i am not going to be able to control every situation 100% of the time in our future (but lets not dwell on that as its causing me to shoot full force into a panic attack) so this is a good exercise for me in letting go. And the thing is...if I didn't think I would be able to trust him again, I shouldn't have let him back into my life. I made that conscious decision and I have to make myself move forward. I just know that there is empowerment out there waiting on me. My self-esteem has taken a huge blow, but I remember what it feels like to love myself. Not in the conceited arrogant way either. The healthy way when you don't cringe to see your reflection in the mirror and you actually feel sexy. That kind. I'm willing to bet if I let some of this old baggage go...let go of these trust issues...I would feel more like my old self. The one that couldn't give a shit if you rolled me over in a tractor, cuz I knew I'd be getting up right after and moving on. I miss that girl. I want her back.
So in conclusion, today was a rough day. Not totally shit, but rough. I am really working on getting control of my thoughts and not letting them control me.
There is a whole almost chapter dedicated to this in my book I am still reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and I will insert a quote of my favorite part:
"On first glance this seems a nearly impossible task. Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What Richard is talking about (I love Richard) is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from, and why they arrived, and then--with great forgiveness and fortitude--dismissing them......So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day (sounds like me): "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."
This woman is brilliant. And she must have spent a large amount of time inside my head to have nailed it so well. So there you have it. My work is definitely cut out for me.
Did I mention how good the sex was last night? :)
On to today...It was a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10. Elvis asked me to rate my day and that was what I told him. I had a fantastic morning...went to the gym, worked out for over an hour, got my sit-ups in and my arms. Whew I was pooped by the time i finished at 9:30. This woman whom I have seen at the gym before came over and introduced herself today. Then she invited me to church. I think it was a sign. I have been trying to talk Elvis into going to church with me, but so far no duece. Whatev...but I would like to go...I think it would help with my iss-see-yous. And they are MANY, my friend.
Elvis came home for lunch and thats when chaos ensued. I asked if that bee-otch had communicated with him today. He assured me she hadn't but, get this: I didn't believe him. Something about the way he said it, and then the way he tore into his food right after. But see? That is a classic example of how I assume my Dad's position in the interrogation process. (I told you my relationship with my Dad was complicated...you have no idea) So after this conversation with Elvis, I was just sitting there thinking to myself "ABORT...ABORT...ABORT..." But I couldn't. I was in that stinkin poison mindset again and couldn't shake it loose. Elvis got up to "leave the building" haha (I've been dying to use that one) and go back to work, and I surprised myself by being angry with him. Angry for so many reasons. For making me think these crazy jealous thoughts. For leaving me for 8 long hours every day to just occupy myself. For not being trustworthy. And the thing is, most of these reasons are MY problems...not his. I need to learn how to trust him again. And lets face it...i am not going to be able to control every situation 100% of the time in our future (but lets not dwell on that as its causing me to shoot full force into a panic attack) so this is a good exercise for me in letting go. And the thing is...if I didn't think I would be able to trust him again, I shouldn't have let him back into my life. I made that conscious decision and I have to make myself move forward. I just know that there is empowerment out there waiting on me. My self-esteem has taken a huge blow, but I remember what it feels like to love myself. Not in the conceited arrogant way either. The healthy way when you don't cringe to see your reflection in the mirror and you actually feel sexy. That kind. I'm willing to bet if I let some of this old baggage go...let go of these trust issues...I would feel more like my old self. The one that couldn't give a shit if you rolled me over in a tractor, cuz I knew I'd be getting up right after and moving on. I miss that girl. I want her back.
So in conclusion, today was a rough day. Not totally shit, but rough. I am really working on getting control of my thoughts and not letting them control me.
There is a whole almost chapter dedicated to this in my book I am still reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and I will insert a quote of my favorite part:
"On first glance this seems a nearly impossible task. Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What Richard is talking about (I love Richard) is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from, and why they arrived, and then--with great forgiveness and fortitude--dismissing them......So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day (sounds like me): "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."
This woman is brilliant. And she must have spent a large amount of time inside my head to have nailed it so well. So there you have it. My work is definitely cut out for me.
Did I mention how good the sex was last night? :)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Lazy Sunday
So today was AWESOME! In every single sense of the word (except I didn't get laid today, but I did yesterday so its all good). I had a better peaceful feeling and I actively worked on pushing away negative thoughts. I have been reading that book "Eat, Pray, Love" and there are some amazing lessons to be learned in those pages. I don't buy into all of the chanting/yoga/meditation stuff in the "Pray" part of the book, but there were words of wisdom for me as far as dispelling bad thoughts and negative broodings. Such as:
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be." (that is classic and something I should have tattooed on my forehead. Also:
"You should never give yourself the chance to fall apart, because when you do...it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. Practice staying strong instead. "
Ugh! That last one kills me. So I tried it today. Elvis and I were laying in bad today having a little nap, and we started talking about my dad. I had a dream last night that my Dad was dead, and I woke up with my heart pounding and I was surprisingly alarmed by this. I love my Dad, but man...is our relationship complicated. Like I told Elvis, I never expected my Dad's passing to impact me the way my Mom's has. When my Mom died, I went crazy. Literally. I smoked, drank, hung out with people who didn't help these tendencies. Oh...and I finally got out of the horrible marriage I was daily dying in. But I always assumed when my Dad dies, it will be noted. Perhaps be a little sad. But not life changing like my Mom's death. After I had that dream, I wasn't so sure. As I laid in bed thinking about this dream and trying to calm myself down, I began to feel guilty for not sending my Dad a Father's Day card. Elvis asked me if I was going to, and I just said "Nah". I got that impression that Elvis would have liked it better if I had. And now I wish I had also. Is it too late for that? Maybe I could find a Father's Day card on the clearance rack at Walmart, huh? I'm totally joking. But I do regret not sending one now. I love my Dad. I wish we were closer. But it goes back to that saying about your replacing your wishbone with your backbone. Duly noted. I haven't formed a concrete plan as to what to do about my relationship with Dad, but I definitely want to work on it. And I promise to actively do just that. Not just sit back and procrastinate as usual. I promise.
The rest of my day was blissfully uneventful. We planted the moon flowers today. They are gorgeous! I will post pictures later of what they look like in the ground. All of my flowers are so healthy, and its a testament to my husbands green thumbs and my yellow-ish ones. Lol.
After we did that, I came inside and showered, and we made a little lunch, and then I passed OUT! We took a little nap for roughly 2.5 hours (weekends are amazing for catching up on sleep!) and then we got up and made our trek to Wally World for BBQ fixins. My amazing husband, Elvis, then commenced to laying out for me the best, most tasty, most perfectly roasted BBQ feast you have ever seen, or eaten. Awesome. My guts are still tore up from the food fest. And Elvis is adored.
After I cleaned up the kitchen, we have just sat around this evening, watching TV and just sharing companionship and affection. I love our weekends. They sustain me through my lonely weeks without him.
I definitely have misgivings with sending him off to work tomorrow, but I want to just not even go there in my head (aka, crazytown). So I won't even blog about it right now. I love him and I have to trust that he loves me and will never do me wrong. The end.
I love the cathartic feelings I get from this blog. It feels great to dispel all of the poison from my mind onto these pages and then hit "publish" ,get up, and walk away from it all. I only wish it were that easy to walk away from my thoughts.
Anyways...piss off if you don't like what you read. I didn't want you here in the first place. Don't you know a diary is private?! :)
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be." (that is classic and something I should have tattooed on my forehead. Also:
"You should never give yourself the chance to fall apart, because when you do...it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. Practice staying strong instead. "
Ugh! That last one kills me. So I tried it today. Elvis and I were laying in bad today having a little nap, and we started talking about my dad. I had a dream last night that my Dad was dead, and I woke up with my heart pounding and I was surprisingly alarmed by this. I love my Dad, but man...is our relationship complicated. Like I told Elvis, I never expected my Dad's passing to impact me the way my Mom's has. When my Mom died, I went crazy. Literally. I smoked, drank, hung out with people who didn't help these tendencies. Oh...and I finally got out of the horrible marriage I was daily dying in. But I always assumed when my Dad dies, it will be noted. Perhaps be a little sad. But not life changing like my Mom's death. After I had that dream, I wasn't so sure. As I laid in bed thinking about this dream and trying to calm myself down, I began to feel guilty for not sending my Dad a Father's Day card. Elvis asked me if I was going to, and I just said "Nah". I got that impression that Elvis would have liked it better if I had. And now I wish I had also. Is it too late for that? Maybe I could find a Father's Day card on the clearance rack at Walmart, huh? I'm totally joking. But I do regret not sending one now. I love my Dad. I wish we were closer. But it goes back to that saying about your replacing your wishbone with your backbone. Duly noted. I haven't formed a concrete plan as to what to do about my relationship with Dad, but I definitely want to work on it. And I promise to actively do just that. Not just sit back and procrastinate as usual. I promise.
The rest of my day was blissfully uneventful. We planted the moon flowers today. They are gorgeous! I will post pictures later of what they look like in the ground. All of my flowers are so healthy, and its a testament to my husbands green thumbs and my yellow-ish ones. Lol.
After we did that, I came inside and showered, and we made a little lunch, and then I passed OUT! We took a little nap for roughly 2.5 hours (weekends are amazing for catching up on sleep!) and then we got up and made our trek to Wally World for BBQ fixins. My amazing husband, Elvis, then commenced to laying out for me the best, most tasty, most perfectly roasted BBQ feast you have ever seen, or eaten. Awesome. My guts are still tore up from the food fest. And Elvis is adored.
After I cleaned up the kitchen, we have just sat around this evening, watching TV and just sharing companionship and affection. I love our weekends. They sustain me through my lonely weeks without him.
I definitely have misgivings with sending him off to work tomorrow, but I want to just not even go there in my head (aka, crazytown). So I won't even blog about it right now. I love him and I have to trust that he loves me and will never do me wrong. The end.
I love the cathartic feelings I get from this blog. It feels great to dispel all of the poison from my mind onto these pages and then hit "publish" ,get up, and walk away from it all. I only wish it were that easy to walk away from my thoughts.
Anyways...piss off if you don't like what you read. I didn't want you here in the first place. Don't you know a diary is private?! :)
Fuck off!
So this day was crap. Not all crap because I did get laid, but that was shortlived as we argued immediately after. I wish I knew what was wrong with me...why I feel so jealous and possessive all of the time. Anyways so here goes:
We got up this morning and had a great time loading up the car and getting ready to go fishing. We stopped at the gas station to get a bag of ice and morning coffee...yay for coffee.
We made it to the pond at about 7:00 and the fishing was ON! We were fishing for about an hour when I started to feel like I was aggravating him. From there the mood took a serious down turn. I clammed up and quit talking, and I even went so far as to quit fishing! (wtf?! I know) I just felt so despondent at the fact that here we were in another "spat" with no better reason than hurt feelings. That pretty much screwed the fishing trip...which sucked, because we both love fishing so much.
After that, we came home and just really lazed around the house for a couple of hours. We finally had a major discussion (no arguing, for once and just talking) and with much reassurance and plenty of make up kisses, we moved on with our day productively.
We ended up STARVING (as neither of us had eaten yet, we both go on hunger strikes when we have issues) so we drove to Chandler to get chinese. We pulled into the only chinese restaurant in town (called "The China Restaurant"...how hilarious is that?) and placed our order. Our eyes were totally bigger than our stomachs because we ordered waaaaay too much food. Anyways, on our way back home, we stopped off at Sonic so Elvis (thats my husband and that is NOT his real name, but it is what he would like for you to call him) anyways so Elvis wanted to stop off at Sonic and get his favorite Sprite-with-Watermelon-flavor. I got a double-stuffed oreo blast. Side note...do you know how many calories is in one of those bitches???!!! 1060!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ridiculous. That shouldn't even be legal. And yet it is. Had I known that, I would have fasted these four days.
ANYWAYS...so after we ate, we came back to bed to cuddle for a few minutes while Elvis enjoyed his weekend nap. Turns out, I could use a nap as well, so we napped for a couple of hours. We both woke up hungry (go figure, that's Chinese for ya) so we dug into our leftovers again. After that we went back outside and watered all of our many many many many many many flowers. (we have many of them) They looked pretty freakin' puny after not being watered since Thursday. What a load of work these flowers have turned out to be. After that, we came back inside and I called my Mom (who isn't my real Mom, but she most certainly has mothered me since mine own sweet mom has died...NO ONE could replace that woman, but I do enjoy the Mother-Daughter relationship I share with this awesome lady) Yeah, so made my daily call to her and whilst I was engaged in conversation with her, my ever so attentive husband, plopped down on the outside step beside me and I commenced to rubbing his leg...which lead to rubbing his cock...which led to ending the phone conversation to my mom...which led to venery in the bedroom, shortly thereafter. Yay for fucking.
The shitty thing was, almost as soon as the afterglow started, I opened my HUGE mouth and started in again with my issues. (REALLY?? As if this household hasn't heard enough of these same issues in the past 3 months to last a LIFETIME!!) Yeah. I did. So we ended up "almost fighting" again. A-freakin-gain. Ahhhhhhh!!!! But we got past it and are now laying quite peacefully in the bed side by side with nary an issue in sight. Phew. I am so ready to put my crazy head to rest.
Is that enough for one day? Was that TMI? If so, fuck off...no one invited you here. Also, Elvis said the funniest thing tonight: I seriously laugh my ass off at this guy just about daily and the shit he says- but today, he was unpacking the chinese food feast, he didn't see my hot n sour soup. He goes, lmao, "I'm gonna tell that chinese lady she better get her pagoda bike and meet me at the big curve in Davenport with my baby's soup." My god, I thought I was gonna die laughing. It doesn't help that I did my crunches at the gym yesterday, so every time he cracks me up, I am in utter agony with the laughing. But that's okay, I would much rather ache and be happy. :)
Ta-ta.
We got up this morning and had a great time loading up the car and getting ready to go fishing. We stopped at the gas station to get a bag of ice and morning coffee...yay for coffee.
We made it to the pond at about 7:00 and the fishing was ON! We were fishing for about an hour when I started to feel like I was aggravating him. From there the mood took a serious down turn. I clammed up and quit talking, and I even went so far as to quit fishing! (wtf?! I know) I just felt so despondent at the fact that here we were in another "spat" with no better reason than hurt feelings. That pretty much screwed the fishing trip...which sucked, because we both love fishing so much.
After that, we came home and just really lazed around the house for a couple of hours. We finally had a major discussion (no arguing, for once and just talking) and with much reassurance and plenty of make up kisses, we moved on with our day productively.
We ended up STARVING (as neither of us had eaten yet, we both go on hunger strikes when we have issues) so we drove to Chandler to get chinese. We pulled into the only chinese restaurant in town (called "The China Restaurant"...how hilarious is that?) and placed our order. Our eyes were totally bigger than our stomachs because we ordered waaaaay too much food. Anyways, on our way back home, we stopped off at Sonic so Elvis (thats my husband and that is NOT his real name, but it is what he would like for you to call him) anyways so Elvis wanted to stop off at Sonic and get his favorite Sprite-with-Watermelon-flavor. I got a double-stuffed oreo blast. Side note...do you know how many calories is in one of those bitches???!!! 1060!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ridiculous. That shouldn't even be legal. And yet it is. Had I known that, I would have fasted these four days.
ANYWAYS...so after we ate, we came back to bed to cuddle for a few minutes while Elvis enjoyed his weekend nap. Turns out, I could use a nap as well, so we napped for a couple of hours. We both woke up hungry (go figure, that's Chinese for ya) so we dug into our leftovers again. After that we went back outside and watered all of our many many many many many many flowers. (we have many of them) They looked pretty freakin' puny after not being watered since Thursday. What a load of work these flowers have turned out to be. After that, we came back inside and I called my Mom (who isn't my real Mom, but she most certainly has mothered me since mine own sweet mom has died...NO ONE could replace that woman, but I do enjoy the Mother-Daughter relationship I share with this awesome lady) Yeah, so made my daily call to her and whilst I was engaged in conversation with her, my ever so attentive husband, plopped down on the outside step beside me and I commenced to rubbing his leg...which lead to rubbing his cock...which led to ending the phone conversation to my mom...which led to venery in the bedroom, shortly thereafter. Yay for fucking.
The shitty thing was, almost as soon as the afterglow started, I opened my HUGE mouth and started in again with my issues. (REALLY?? As if this household hasn't heard enough of these same issues in the past 3 months to last a LIFETIME!!) Yeah. I did. So we ended up "almost fighting" again. A-freakin-gain. Ahhhhhhh!!!! But we got past it and are now laying quite peacefully in the bed side by side with nary an issue in sight. Phew. I am so ready to put my crazy head to rest.
Is that enough for one day? Was that TMI? If so, fuck off...no one invited you here. Also, Elvis said the funniest thing tonight: I seriously laugh my ass off at this guy just about daily and the shit he says- but today, he was unpacking the chinese food feast, he didn't see my hot n sour soup. He goes, lmao, "I'm gonna tell that chinese lady she better get her pagoda bike and meet me at the big curve in Davenport with my baby's soup." My god, I thought I was gonna die laughing. It doesn't help that I did my crunches at the gym yesterday, so every time he cracks me up, I am in utter agony with the laughing. But that's okay, I would much rather ache and be happy. :)
Ta-ta.
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