I got laid last night. :) Yep. Two times in two days and it was AWESOME!
On to today...It was a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10. Elvis asked me to rate my day and that was what I told him. I had a fantastic morning...went to the gym, worked out for over an hour, got my sit-ups in and my arms. Whew I was pooped by the time i finished at 9:30. This woman whom I have seen at the gym before came over and introduced herself today. Then she invited me to church. I think it was a sign. I have been trying to talk Elvis into going to church with me, but so far no duece. Whatev...but I would like to go...I think it would help with my iss-see-yous. And they are MANY, my friend.
Elvis came home for lunch and thats when chaos ensued. I asked if that bee-otch had communicated with him today. He assured me she hadn't but, get this: I didn't believe him. Something about the way he said it, and then the way he tore into his food right after. But see? That is a classic example of how I assume my Dad's position in the interrogation process. (I told you my relationship with my Dad was complicated...you have no idea) So after this conversation with Elvis, I was just sitting there thinking to myself "ABORT...ABORT...ABORT..." But I couldn't. I was in that stinkin poison mindset again and couldn't shake it loose. Elvis got up to "leave the building" haha (I've been dying to use that one) and go back to work, and I surprised myself by being angry with him. Angry for so many reasons. For making me think these crazy jealous thoughts. For leaving me for 8 long hours every day to just occupy myself. For not being trustworthy. And the thing is, most of these reasons are MY problems...not his. I need to learn how to trust him again. And lets face it...i am not going to be able to control every situation 100% of the time in our future (but lets not dwell on that as its causing me to shoot full force into a panic attack) so this is a good exercise for me in letting go. And the thing is...if I didn't think I would be able to trust him again, I shouldn't have let him back into my life. I made that conscious decision and I have to make myself move forward. I just know that there is empowerment out there waiting on me. My self-esteem has taken a huge blow, but I remember what it feels like to love myself. Not in the conceited arrogant way either. The healthy way when you don't cringe to see your reflection in the mirror and you actually feel sexy. That kind. I'm willing to bet if I let some of this old baggage go...let go of these trust issues...I would feel more like my old self. The one that couldn't give a shit if you rolled me over in a tractor, cuz I knew I'd be getting up right after and moving on. I miss that girl. I want her back.
So in conclusion, today was a rough day. Not totally shit, but rough. I am really working on getting control of my thoughts and not letting them control me.
There is a whole almost chapter dedicated to this in my book I am still reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and I will insert a quote of my favorite part:
"On first glance this seems a nearly impossible task. Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What Richard is talking about (I love Richard) is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from, and why they arrived, and then--with great forgiveness and fortitude--dismissing them......So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day (sounds like me): "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."
This woman is brilliant. And she must have spent a large amount of time inside my head to have nailed it so well. So there you have it. My work is definitely cut out for me.
Did I mention how good the sex was last night? :)
No comments:
Post a Comment